REPOST: My Last Birthday

In honor of my son's milestone birthday, in which he enters the double-digits, I'm reposting this piece I wrote for another now-deleted blog.  This was written about 10 months before we were able to pick him up.  I was right that it was my "last birthday" but I didn't know how much we'd have to go through to actually meet him.  As he turns 10 in a couple days, I'm reminded of this concept that came to me 7 years ago.  His Birthday has been going on for about a month already, and mine will be lucky to last part of the day it falls on...

....and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

---

Today is my last birthday and it’s bittersweet.

Except, perhaps, when I was very young, I’ve never been super excited about birthdays anyway, but today I’d rather not have one at all.

As anyone who has a birthday around the 25^th of December will attest, there is a rule about sharing of holidays.  Essentially, each holiday is equally diminished or one gets swallowed up by the other.  Christmas will overpower a birthday.  A birthday will overpower Thanksgiving.  Valentines’ Day will supersede a husband’s birthday, but not a wife’s.  

That’s just the way of it.  

…And a child’s birthday will blot out that of a parent.  Next year I won’t have a birthday.  Barring any horrible circumstance, we’ll go get our son in the next few months.  The adoption process is nearing a close, we’ll be in India soon meeting Enoch, son of Jared and Candice.  His birthday is two days after mine therefore this will be my last birthday.  Next year we’ll have a third birthday party for Enoch.  Next year, we’ll have some toddlers and parents over to play with bright colored toys and make messes on the carpet.  Next year we’ll have noise makers and cartoons marking this time.  A third birthday for a child is infinitely more important than a 36^th birthday for a father; adding one to both sides of that equation doesn’t make it any more equal.  

So this is my last birthday before mine is a blip on the radar as we approach my son’s special day.  I’ll be ok with that, as I said, I don’t get too excited about birthdays.  Part of me thinks I should treasure this one, though, because it’s my last one.  I should take some time alone to read or sip coffee.  I should spend quiet quality time with my wife.  I should suggest a walk with my family while we can still monitor our one child somewhat adequately.  I should enjoy being the parent of one child before the chaos of two children is a reality.  

But as I said, it’s bittersweet.  It’s hard to treasure my last birthday when I so desperately long to not have a birthday at all.  I want Enoch Shant Arunav Begg’s birthdays to be what we celebrate.  I don’t want to answer the question, “what do you want for your birthday?”  I’m ready for my parents to forget it’s mine because they’re wrapped up in their grandson.  I’m ready for no one to notice that I’ve turned 50 because they’re so happy that my son turned 17.  

And I’m sad that the reality is not present yet.  

I’m sad that my 35^th is not shared with his 2^nd.

I hope his birthday at least fills the orphanage with joy, that it supersedes the normalcy of the day.

I hope that it’s not a lonely day for him.

I long to process the sadness with him when we discuss it for years to come.  

I pray that news of a loving family preparing to travel is a gift that we both can receive on this bittersweet day. 

And I wish that, even in India, he could know how much I want to give up my birthday for him. 

 

I wonder...

What would I be like if I had done the thing I was afraid of for the past decade?

and, furthermore,

what if I started now?

Repost: Asking Questions

Roughly every other week this blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted October 17, 2011

Many little wisps of ideas have passed through my mind since I posted my last blog but none have settled.  I tend to notice things and make connections and then write as I reflect on that.  Frankly, I’ve been bewildered lately.  There are so many “things” to notice.

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Promoting a Book, While Reflecting on Promoting a Book.

I contributed to a book again.

The last one was devotions for Advent, reflective readings for the Christmas season to refocus the reader to remember that Christ came to earth as a human baby.

The first book was uplifting in theme and overtly worshipful.

This second book is a little different than that.

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Looking for ISAIAH in the Bible

My son is always very excited to get his hands on my Bible.

It’s not that we’ve instilled in him a thirst for the word of God. He’s not seeking truth or relationship with God. We haven’t yet explained to him that the ESV is THE hippest Bible to read. He’s not looking at the colorful maps in the back or the red letters in the gospels or my notes and scribbles throughout. 

He’s looking for page 683, where it says, in big letters “ISAIAH”.

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Repost: The Dragon We Got

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted October 06, 2011

About a year ago I wrote a reflection about trusting God in the process of adopting our son, Isaiah, from India.  I borrowed Donald Miller’s comparison of a father to a Dragon which he made in his book To Own a Dragon and applied it to a son.  For me a son seemed just as unattainable as a father was to Miller, as unattainable as a dragon.  I borrowed from Ursula Le Guin’s mythology of dragons found in her Earthsea Cycle to illustrate how special and magnificent my son was.  I concluded by affirming the faithfulness of God in keeping his promise to deliver Isaiah to my wife and me.  I referred to God as The Giver of Dragons.

Soon after that writing administrative pieces fell into place and we flew to India to meet our Dragon. 

A little under a year ago we brought home the dragon we got.

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Reminders of Relationship

We named our second son, Enoch Shant Arunav Begg.

Enoch was taken from Genesis 5:24

"Enoch walked with God, and he was not, for God took him."

We want our son to walk with God. It also states that Jared was the father of Enoch, so that’s a nice bonus.

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Repost: Oh The Cleverness of this Title!

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted October 06, 2011

Peter Pan

The Peter Pan Complex (or Syndrome) is term some psychologists have used to describe a grown man who acts like a boy.  A man with Peter Pan Syndrome refuses to grow up emotionally and psychologically just as Peter Pan refused to grow up... entirely.  
I exhibit this a little, but I try to realize it and grow beyond it (pun intended). 

My personal Peter Pan Syndrome is a little different than this.

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On Character and Union

A little over a year ago I took my son, Isaiah, to an event on campus.

If I remember correctly, we arrived a few minutes after the scheduled start time; things were still getting set up.

We stood in line at a table providing crushed ice and cotton candy; the cotton candy machine wasn’t fully warmed up and ready.

Cotton Candy

Isaiah chose the cotton candy over the shaved ice so we waited.

We were in a line that wasn’t open yet, and we were at the end of that line, so we waited.

We saw people coming to the shaved ice line, getting their refreshment, and going along their way.

And still we waited.

This was only about four minutes but to Isaiah it was painfully long.

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Repost: We Do Not Talk About These Bookshelves

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted October 06, 2011

I put together some new bookcases yesterday.  While doing the task I was reminded of the movie Fight Club. 

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Is This Real Life?

In July, I was a bachelor.

My wife was able to get a head start on our vacation and took the boys to visit friends and family over three weeks before I had time off work. 

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Repost: Edits

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted September 30, 2011

This post was written about the process of contributing to the advent devotional Our Savior Come. 

Writing about writing seems weird to me. I’ve also done it before when my personal deadline for posting a blog was long passed.  It feels a little like cheating, filling space just to check it off the list. (For example, filling a page with “I’m writing now.  I’m writing now".)

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On Assumptions

Several years ago, I entered a restroom.

…

Sorry, I was attempting a dramatically humorous opener this week.

…

But seriously, I remember the experience well:

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Repost: Warmth

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted August 8, 2011

Sometimes God speaks to us.  Sometimes we don’t fully understand what he says. 

I have a story about that.

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Bearing the Lonely

On Sunday morning at 4:22am, my wife and sons left for a month vacation. I’ll join her after three weeks and take a week of my vacation, but for three weeks, I’m alone.

After she left, my Sunday looked like this:

Watched YouTube and Netflix and Facebook.

Slept a little

Went to church

Moved some bricks (patio work).

Watched YouTube

Facebook

Played Hearthstone

Ate lunch [Pizza, followed by rum & coke]

Slept

Organized our storage room

Read some articles online

Cleaned up around the house

Worked in the patio

Played Hearthstone

Ate dinner

Watched Netflix

Facebook...

Watched Hulu

More Facebook

Went to bed

Sometime, late in the night, I realized that all my actions of the day (including going to church) were motivated by a desire to distract myself from loneliness and I thought, “Maybe it’s time to write that blog.”

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Repost: There is Glory

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted July 31, 2011

Aslan would say this is someone else’s story, but I think he’d forgive me for telling it.

The family I mentioned a few posts ago who recently met their son, Oscar, continues to stick in my mind. 

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Encountering Bronze Jesus

I was in Indiana recently for the closing of Bowman House as a freshman men’s Residence Hall at Indiana Wesleyan University. Arriving a day early for the closing events, I was able to participate and assist with the end-of-year Banquet and Awards Ceremony for this past year’s residents. I watched my friend’s son, Uriah, during the Banquet; when he got a little too antsy I took him out of the room and we walked around the Student Center and the campus grounds.

While we were walking around outside I observed this young boy have an encounter with Jesus. To be precise, he encountered the statue of Jesus outside the IWU Chapel Auditorium.  His encounter with the bronze Jesus statue is a picture of too many of my own encounters with Jesus.

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Repost: Always On

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted July 30, 2011

Lately I’ve been pondering the distinct differences between the various roles in my life.

Specifically I’ve been considering the differences between my job as a live-in professional on a Christian university campus and my family life.  As a Resident Director I am in a Student Affairs/Student Services administration profession. Because I am at a faith-based university, there is an additional aspect of ministry to the job.  I’m not a pastor by any means, but there is a pastoral aspect to my job. Interestingly, the Resident Director position has been [incorrectly] understood as “the youth pastor who lives in the dorm.”

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On Coffins and Crosses

For Easter this year we went to the house of some new friends here in Oregon. It was a nice little gathering. They had activities set up for the kids and gift bags to take home.

In each gift bag was a small piece of wood with nails and yarn affixed to it. The idea was, by winding the yarn around the nails in the appropriate way, the yarn would form the shape of a cross. It was a clever Easter themed craft.

Since Easter, the two wood pieces have been floating around the house in various toy boxes and piles, used every once in a while. Recently Isaiah was playing with his, wrapping the yarn around the nails in a carefree manner, not intending on forming the cross shape it was designed to reveal.

My wife looked over at him and commented on the design that was emerging

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Repost: What it Takes...

Every other week my blog will feature a reposted work. I had been a contributor on two different sites that have since closed or no longer include blogs. I will be reposting pieces that had originally been featured on one of these two sites.  

This was originally posted July 21, 2011

I recently found myself inadvertently taking a cue from John Eldridge and telling my son he “has what it takes”.

The Story:

During a run-in with some very stubborn marker caps I had directed him to hold the marker with one hand and the cap with the other.  Then I covered his hands with mine and took the cap off for him.  I wanted to show him the motion for taking a cap off, even if those particular markers were too tight for his little hands to operate. 

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